Love Letters with Nowhere to Go

These letters, these letters are written every day. Paragraphs of affection, foreign to all, but the one who wrote them, and the drawers they are stuck in. They wait, and wait. They desire to be given life by her eyes. The letters become forgotten and stale relics of love not found, and a love that didn't belong, and of a man that can't let go, a man whose soul still quiets when she enters a room, and seeks her ardently when she leaves. Dust collected on these letters signifies the selfishness of the writer. She is not his to love. How dare he think that words could win her heart? How dare he be such a selfish fuck up? Why does he do this to her? Why does he do this to himself? Why does he leave these letters in such a banal existence? Why does he not shred them? They have nowhere to go; captive letters with no release, praying to be read and released so they may live in the heart they always called home....
Dear Postman,
Don't come for us, If you do, return to sender.
Sincerely,
The Captive Letters

Cigarettes

She held him like a seasoned smoker holds a cigarette , with full awareness that if she let go, he would meet the ground, burn it, then have to be stomped by feet so callous. He held her as though she was his last cigarette, with tenderness and reverence. They did everything but let go. This was their last puff, and it could not be a corner store parking lot smoke. They knew they needed to savor the smoke, taste it, have the nicotine calm their bones like a warm winter fire. To be held like a smoker holds a cigarette is to be alive.

Her Poems

The poem she writes with her feet is my song. The poem she writes with her pen, my obligatory prayer.

Languages are of No Use

Loving a Woman

The If

If I was told I could trade our time, our friendship, and my love for you, for a lifetime of happiness with someone else, I would not do it. If   I  could trade my pain of missing you for the comfort of someone else’s arms, I would not do it. It is not that I am stubborn, Ok, well maybe I am, but I am not stubborn in this instance, here is where I love you. I know somewhere deep in the beauty and curves of your soul, you love me too. You know that at this point (or ever) we are not right for each other, and I’m ok that you feel that way, because in truth, missing you has become so deep that I don’t miss what I thought we could have had: a “relationship,” holding hands, that romance stuff lovers do, no I just miss you, you, Just you, my love, my friend. Others may momentarily captivate me, but you have my heart, and that is why I am blessed. 

Consecration

I want to distill my desire such that it is no longer my own, and becomes nothing but the desires that help you reach Nirvana. This way of loving you is the only way I can truly love you without interruption from the excesses of my heart. This way of loving you will not hinder you. This way of loving you means letting you go while knowing that you will always have a home with me in my heart should you ever need to call it to beat at the cadence of your voice. This way of loving you is the only way for me. My Nirvana .

The Hope in the Alone

There is a certain hope in feeling alone
The hope that it can all change
It takes so much effort to sustain this hope, that may, in the end when all our life has been spent, reveal itself as an illusion
There are people who have lived and died  their whole existence alone
Hope does not grant us anything but patience
We may die being patient

I'm Not Scared of Losing the Chance

I'm not scared of losing the chance to be more than a friend. I used to be scared that you and I would never have the chance to be more to each other. Slowly, but steadily, this fear evaporates and is replaced by the love I have for you, and nothing else. Love does not demand, nor require anything. Sure, love does indeed hope, but love also knows that it cannot be manufactured. Love knows that being friends can be just as fulfilling as being actual lovers. Love knows the importance of the happiness of its beloved.We are what we are, and for all that you are, all that you will be, all that I don't know of you, for all of this and the way you make me feel, I love you.

An Imaginary Tea with Death- Part 1

Death, dear Death, before you act in haste, let us have an Iced Tea and chat.

OK

Why do you plan on taking me at this time?

You might want to ask my boss, he said this was important.

God???? How do I reach him?

I don't know, he doesn't have many visitors

Well, I know you're here now, so perhaps I'll just probe the mind of the Grim Reaper.

Ok, but please don't call me the Grim Reaper, I was given that annoying nickname when I was a child.

Ok, how much time can you afford me?

Would it actually help if I told you that?

Well yeah. It'd kind of be like 'stoppage time' in a game of soccer, it helps the teams to mount that last offensive push or defensive hold.


I will take you after our tea is finished.

So.....that's it? ... No chance to say goodbye to my family and friends?

I empathize, but if I were to give you extra time, I would have to do that for everyone....what makes you special enough to be a rare exception?

Nothing.... absolutely nothing......

Tell me, if you were given a small chunk of hours, what would you do with them?

I'd buy my friends and family dinner, share jokes and tell them I love them, then I'd go skydiving, and finally, I would write one more time.

OK, odd grouping of choices, but to each his own. What would you write?

A love letter to her.

Who?

The woman I love.

You love her, yet all you are doing is putting words on a page, how would that help her???

I guess it wouldn't do much, but we are only talking about a few hours here.

Maybe you are more selfish than you realize?

I could ask her what is the best way I can help her?

Yeah that is a great idea.

Love and Truth

Dear Sweet One, the truth is that I love you.
I suppose the reason I am in pain is because we are far away.
I understand it. Life takes us to risk. By saying I love you, I put us at risk, whatever we were, friends, whatever it was, vanished, became not. I understand it.  I know that we may again renew friendship in time. That's the thing about time, time brings change. I know that we might never have the opportunity to renew friendship. I suppose what I am saying is that I know that I do not know anything. The only two things that fall outside the scope of 'anything' is that I love you and I miss you. I love you and miss you. Those are my only truths.

Lonely Nights

In the blackness of night I'm still plugged into the world, until I grow too tired
The fears of a racing mind are kept on the edges of my consciousness
Yet I need music to soothe them, but this music only brings them more into focus

The pain of missing exerts too much force on me, the silence of loneliness echoes and taunts me
The fears move closer and closer, doubt walks behind them
Hope tries to find a way in, but is extremely blocked, fights valiantly but is overtaken and shunned
Emptiness  becomes all too familiar

Two hearts no longer connected
Two hearts no longer connected
Two hearts no longer connected

There is no cure for me

I Love You

I love you
I love you
I know you don't love me the way that I love you
But that fact does not halt or destroy my love for you
I love you because I love you
The mention of you moves my soul

Tattoos From You

You left glorious tattoos of your name on my soul
If my soul was visible, we would see this ink in all its wonder
The needle you used for this art did not hurt when you were drawing
There were no bruises or pain
The pain came when you stopped drawing
Now I have thousands of tattoos of your name on my soul, all of them crying out in selfish and selfless abandon for more.

Happy Day, I Know Your Name

Dear Sweetie, I know my happiest day will be when I see you again. No matter where life takes me, I know this day, above the others, will be my happiest. I know that we will most likely never be 'together', but I am okay with that. I will be thankful just to see you again. Just to see you smile again is worth so much to me, even if I'm not your reason. I know this happiness because I can see it. I feel what happens to me when I think about it. I feel the elation. I may watch too many movies, but I know that this happiness is not fantasy or fiction. I can sense it.

I Will End My Selfishness

Everyday the absence of you from my life creates in me a yearning to see you again
My soul, and all of me feels so far from you my love, that it creates in me a stillness that is crippling

But this yearning feels selfish. I endeavor everyday to change it, to yearn for your well-being more than I yearn to see you again, to gaze in your direction, to hear your dreams, to tell you mine

Just please be well, and let your spirit be enriched. If this melancholy brings you down, ignore it, ignore me

I will no longer be selfish

I Don't Need Convincing

My Dearest One, this is a little note to tell you,
I won't need convincing
I won't need convincing to put you first
I won't need convincing to take care of you
To be the shoulder you rest your head on
To rest my head on your shoulder
To be taken care of by you
To wrap you in warmth
To blow your nose running with the luckiest mucus in the world
To be squeezed to sleep by your arms
To give you the only pillow
To share one pillow with you
To lie awake thinking of the coming days we share
To have you to hold me when I fall
To hold your hand when you need assurances
To hold your hand just to hold your hand
To be an extra mirror that reflects your lights back to the stars
To have you as a mirror that reflects mine
Then you and I will both be mirrors
I will reflect your light and you will reflect mine
And we will be reflecting the same light, for your light is you and my light is you
This will be a most beauteous illumination

I won't need convincing at all Dearest One

I've Been Thinking

If television, books, and poetry are right
That heartbreak is the test of love, its nectar
That when you fall in love
And that love happens to break
You will fall hardest when your love is most true
Then I say, yes, let the fall after the break induce fractures on my face
Let the fall from the stumble be so violent that I weep for the garden that I once walked through
Let the fractures be so deep that you can see the bones
But on these bones will be more than calcium
The memories of smiles she induced will be on these bones
These bones will hold up a face in stoic pose
A face that just wants to cry, smile, scream, cry some more, and even laugh
What will ignite these bones to loosen their grip on this face?
Only her

But for now I say that I am blessed to make of this fractured face, a beautiful Frankenstein

The Dual Nature of Pain

Love needs pain in order to grow, and pain needs love so it can heal

Thank You to All of You

This is a simple thank you
To all the people, things, and art,
that save me
thank you

You too, hun

Forgetting

You made me want to completely forget the women who claimed my heart before you, but now I have to forget you too, but this time, there is no want. Tell me when I can remember you again.

Empty

I am an empty soul
I try to fill my soul with things and people since you have gone
But nothing, no, person, no work, no play, no book, no spiritualism, no comedy, no art, no achievement can soothe my soul the way you did
Some days I earnestly wish that this was not true, but it is
Everything I wrote is true
I cannot find any balm to soothe your absence
I work, laugh, and play, but still I remain an empty soul
Someone is missing
Someone is missing
Someone is missing
You

Such emptiness could be weakness
but I don't see my angst as weakness
It is evidence of your amazing grace
and my ability to recognize it

I miss you
Not for what I thought we were or could be
I just simply miss you, not for ideas or wishes or attention
Just you

Finding the Words

I search far and wide for the words
Have they been spoken before?
Written down?
Thought?
I don't know, but I keep searching

Then I realize that love is more than words
I wish she could see what I see
Feel what I feel
I wish she could know what it is to miss her
I wish she could know what it was like to meet her for the first time a few months ago
I wish she could know what joy it was to call her 
I wish she could know that she matters to me
I wish she could know what it feels like to let her go
I wish she could know that letting her go means that I have to love her more than I did before
I hope she knows that I let her go and still miss her
I hope she knows more joy and happiness than I could give her or receive

I search far and wide for the words that can reach miles and can say what my heart says 

How Do I know I Love ?

If I need more evidence of my own feelings, all I have to do is look, then my feelings pour through me, my chest tightens and feels hollow. I start to cry. Now I know.

Blessings

The man who is permitted everyday to tell you he loves you is twice blessed. The man who loves you and should not say it is blessed.

Sometimes, Often

Sometimes I wonder if love gets in the way
Often I wonder this
More precisely, I wonder if confessing of love gets in the way
We had something wonderful
Sure, it wasn't as deep and connected as two lovers
But it was deep and it was blooming
Wasn't it?

We had something wonderful, and for some reason I messed it up
When on that day I confessed my love for you, strangely, this was after I just heard you could not give it!

I sometimes laugh inside at my own idiocy

I often think of myself as selfish

I love you was a selfish confession   

--but of self-less devotion
- but still a selfish act

Wishing I had not said it is also a selfish act

But hiding love can be hazardous for both people involved
But so can ill-timed confessions

I'm sorry I messed up a friendship
I'm sorry I put us both in that stuck place

I'm sorry 

Love's Depth

I will always feel blessed for what we were, 
but sad that we could have been more, 
and hopeful that we can be as before if we cannot be more.

Distance

I wonder: if I scream loud enough into empty space (in the dark of night, in the light of day) will you hear me?
Would you scream back?
What would you say?

I wonder: Do human voices even transcend the miles between us when they are bare, raw, unaccompanied by cell phones?

What if you never said anything at all?
I would still scream for you
Hoping that after my intense scream has traveled the miles to reach you, its intensity will dissipate and reach you as a gentle wind that comforts your cheek
I am always wind

The wreckage of Longing

Find me in the wreckage of longing

But by the time I am found

I will have built a garden only you and I can see

I will have fashioned it from the joy and pain within me

All cultivated by the presence and absence of you

I will have learned the language and rhythm of a gardener

I will have mastered every single of his skills

This garden will know the color of your name

The flowers will hear the auditory bliss that permeates when your name is spoken

The flowers will know the agony and weight of your absence

The joy of your existence

The joy of seeing you again

The joy of knowing your name

But all of this joy and pain they experience

Does not compare to the bliss and pain that I feel

I am caught in this wreckage of longing

Destined to be a gardener without rain or sun